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Comedy Tip: Don't Give Your Baby a Funny Name

A friend of mine is having a baby and she is trying to pick out a name.  It's so odd to see how haphazardly most parents make a decision that will affect their child for the rest of their lives - so I'm glad my friend is really putting some thought into it.

The name you pick will be the difference in whether your kid has friends -- or is the target of endless bullying.  In my high school there was actually a kid named Harry Tush.  (Using your kid's name as a practical joke is child abuse and needs to be stopped.)

A name has enormous power.  It's a huge part of a first impression, so it shapes how someone is perceived throughout their life.  And that perception might also shape what they become - and even how they look.

When you think of Brad, or Angelina, do you get a different mental picture than you do for Orville or Gladys?  Of course you do.  And why is it that EVERYBODY has that same mental picture ... and it's usually accurate?

It's because there is no escaping your name.  It shapes who you become.

But here's the good news for future parents.  Before picking that name, do a little research -- because there is a way to find out exactly what you child will look like in 40 years.  Using this secret will help you pick a name that will help your kid be more likely to grow up to be a millionaire than a meth addict.

What's the secret?  Google the faces that go with the name.

Go to Google Images and type in the name you are considering for your baby, and click "faces."  Then, you can see just what a Felix or a Brittany might end up looking like.

You think I'm kidding?  Brittany is most likely going to be a little too old of a stripper, who really shouldn't have given up her job as a checker at Ralph's. Felix is going to wear glasses and a bow tie.  It isn't a lock that things will end this way - but the odds just aren't in Felix and Brittany's favor for a happy life.

So, I say to my friends who are expecting - search for the faces that go with the names you're considering.  And for my comedy friends, be sure you choose a name that will be somebody who can TELL a joke - instead of being the punch line of one!



Gary said...

And, if your last name is Harris/Harrison, Davis/David/Davidson, Williams/Williamson, etc, DO NOT name your child Harry, David, William, etc. It's obnoxious, and deserves a hard smack in the face with a small, dead mammal.

Sean Saulsbury said...

I was thinking of naming my kid "Carbon Footprint" but alas you changed my mind.

Michael J. Herman said...

While it may go without saying, I still contend that our former president's real given birth name was in fact Harry and not George. Then the team of Harry Bush and Dick wouldf actually amke sense. Also, with those truths exposed, war would have been impossible. After all, who casn argue with a Harry Bush and Dick? Come on, it can't happen.
Also, names are important, but does it matter if you name your kid Felix or Cecil, Falondra, or Shatiqua, or Zelda vs. Agnes, if you're given a crappy name at birth, the only hope you have is for really big boobs.

Michael J. Herman, Comedy Writer and Antagonist At Large

Awful Cute Studio: The Spiffiest Place on Earth said...

The song "A Boy Named Sue" comes to mind. That dad only wanted the best for his child.

My first born kid, I swore would be, depending on gender, Peter Potter or Patty Potter. (Patty for a boy ...)

I wonder why my wife didn't want to have kids...?

Emily Ballance said...

A few years ago , I read about a real case of parents who lost custody of a child they named "Talulah Does the Hula from Hawaii." I was thinking that as an extra penalty, the judge should have made each of the parents legally change his/her name to "I was stupid enough to name my child Talulah Does the Hula from Hawaii." That way, not only would the parents have the opportunity to learn what it feels like to walk around feeling embarrassed and humiliated, but as an added bonus, their mail would get mixed up. Check it out at the link below for some other unbelievable names, such as "Yeah Detroit," "Midnight Chardonnay" and "Sex Fruit."

Andrew J. Mellen said...

It's such an amazing act of selfishness and thoughtlessness to saddle a child with a name that they will constantly have to explain or spell for people.

Why put a child through that?

Beyond the ridiculous weird names that people create to be "different," are those supposedly "alternative" spellings of Shellye, Kellye, etc.

Really, do you think your kid wants to have to correct EVERY single person they meet on the proper way to spell their name?

ny rehab center said...

Meth is a serious addiction and should be stopped, it's not meant to be ridiculed.

Anonymous said...

Funniest Old Person name in an obituary, I've read was Myrtle Beach.