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Personal Note to Judy's Hacker


I've been in a tizzy because someone hacked into my Apple Account and stole my identity!

At my age, I am a bit flattered that someone even wanted to steal my identity. When other friends had theirs' stolen, I thought, "Was my life so boring that no one found it valuable enough to steal?"

I can only assume that my hacker is reading this right now. So, I would like to take a moment and write a personal message to him or her.

Dear Hacker, or do I just call you Hack?

You know so much about me -- my social security number, even those faded numbers on the back of my credit cards. Yet, I know so little about you. In my fantasy you sort of look like the girl from that movie The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I imagine you sitting at your lap top with your multiply piercings, rubbing A&D ointment on your new tattoo, and reading my boring emails. Are you as bored with my life as I sometimes am?  BTW, what did I buy you with those iTunes gift cards?  I like to imagine you as a Robin Hood sort, stealing from me to buy gifts for orphans in Africa. Are you going to declare it as a tax deduction or can I declare you as a dependent?

Quick question: Are you the same Hacker who keeps sending me the emails announcing that "I am the beneficiary of Prince Muvaggie's 35 million dollars?"  Please, don't be insulted, but people don't call you "Hack" for nothing. The emails are SO unoriginal, too long, and humorless. Hack, you DON'T have to be a hack. You CAN be original.

Hack - come to my comedy workshop in New York, or in Dallas, and I will show you how to write original material. You CAN do this. I promise that you will get personal attention and leave being able to make people laugh and create happiness rather than misery.

You don't need to steal MY persona - you can have your OWN and I will help you find it. Matter of fact, if you register by May 20th you can even get a discount.

But, please. This time, can you use your own credit card?

Sign up for New York here. (Saturday, May 19th)
Sign up for Dallas here. (Sunday, June 10th)

14 comments:

Tim Bligh said...

Great reply Judy !! I enjoyed reading that. When are you coming to South Florida so I can attend one of your workshops ??

Athena Murphy said...

Here's what's great about you: you are dependibly funny! I have never been able to make a crime committed against me funny, but you found a way.

Good for you! Ah, the triumph of humor. It can be easy to forget that at a really human level, humor helps make the worst in life palatable. You just showed us how.

Thanks for the freebie!

www.MichaelJHerman.com said...

Dear Judy,
Sorry to hear that you've beern hacked. My letter would have gone something like this.

Dear Hack,

Thanks for sharing in my dreams of unlimited wealth where we can afford to buy anything and everything we see or want. After all, it's there, why not buy it? I mean, it's not like you're paying for it.

I do have a question for you though, Hack. why stop at iTunes gift cards? Since neither one of us are going to be paying for it, why not shop like you mean it? One of us deserves that Mazzaratti convertable we've always wanted in cherry red. It's wsiting for you. The vqacacation to Fiji we've been yearning for leaves at 6 PM.

Hack, where are your goals? Don't you have any pride? If you're going to be me, you have to at least shop like the suppressed me that I have to beast down everytime I drive past the yacht moored in Newport Beach.

But Hack, really, McDonald's, and porn? Can't you think of anything more originasl? After all, if I'm going to be taking out the credit, the least you can do is defraud it in style.

Please remember Hack, my birthday is next month. I hope we get me something nice.

(That's how you write a letter to your Hack.)

Portlandmakesmefunny said...

This is my most favorite email from you!!!! Righteous!

Ron Rigby said...

There is a benefit to having next to nothing...I never get hacked! If someone were to steal my identity they would get to deal with my creditors...their cell phone would probably get shut off once they had my identity. I'm sure they'd give it back to me after a day or two.

Monica Piper said...

Hilarious! leave it to you to turn a nightmare into comedy gold.

Congrats on finishing the book!

Carla René said...

Two years ago I added the following to my stand-up routine: "Everyone's getting their identity hacked. I keep praying to God that someone steals my identity. I need them to improve my credit."

Carla René said...

Carla René said...

Two years ago I added the following to my stand-up routine: "Everyone's getting their identity hacked. I keep praying to God that someone steals my identity. I need them to improve my credit."

Emiko said...

Sorry for the Hack, Judy. But this one was too funny! Glad I was not your Hack:) Thanks for sharing!

Karla Guy fan of Judy's said...

Wowsa jonesin' for some itunes free downloads via Judy Carter. I would have filled up my gas tank and bought a million more gas cards for future fill-ups...then would have gone to best buy in a wig of course and bought a new mac then sell it to some student at starboobs over lattes that you would have also bought that day. Hell I would have then gone to Disneyland woo hoo! Now that's how its done!

Mr. Ed The person, not the horse said...

My dear Judy can you please come to south Florida or at least to Orlando? I can't go much farther than that becauase, because, my dog ate my homework, ya that's it, my dog ate my homework. If that excuse doesn't work please let me know and I will make you some of Mr. Eds peanut brittle! Can' wait for youe new book.
Mr. Ed

Russ said...

if someone stole my identity I'd ask him if he could build up my self esteem while he's in there.

Hilary lambert said...

Judy, You are too smart. I love how you go places no one ever goes with your ideas and words. You are the reason I still write comedy and movies. You saved me when I wanted to drop out of class and had a teacher who made me feel really not funny...you found my confidence. You are a gem of a human being and I am sure you sleep well at night knowing the word is a zillion times better cuz of you. Laughter. What is better.
I'm sorry you got hacked.