Making Dreams Come True for Comics and Speakers since 1984
  Judy Carter's Comedy Workshops  

Breaking Bad... With My Printer

This week's blog is my rant against the weakest link in everyone's office: THE PRINTER.

You're trying to get an important document in the mail and the computer, mouse, and monitor all do their jobs without complaining -- but the printer goes, "No! Error! I'm jammed! I'm out of ink! I don't like the cheap OEM ink cartridges. It's my time of the month."

At first I thought I got a great deal on my printer. (Cheaper than most high-end inkjets, with a nice fax and scanner thrown in as a bonus.)

But -- then I get my first "low ink" message. I go online looking for a solution -- and I find out how much the set of cartridges cost. OMG! It's twice what the printer cost ... and I'll be paying that every month!

Printer manufacturers have become like drug dealers. They give you a little cheap taste, and then you're hooked and emptying your bank accounts because you're jonesing for cyan. They've got you -- and now there's no way out.

(No wonder the ink cartridges at Staples are kept behind locked cabinets; they're like Oxycontin at a pharmacy.)

I tried to get those special syringes and shoot up my printer full of cheap ink, only to end up with magenta all over my hands, looking like a scene from Dexter. I didn't want to get ink all over the carpet -- so I went outside with the rest to the alley.

That's when it hits me: they started me off with free starter cartridges, and now -- I'm in an alley holding a syringe. Damn you, ink pushers! Damn you! I've hit bottom. "Hello, I'm Judy and I'm powerless over Epson."

And while I'm at it -- why the fancy ink names: Magenta? Cyan?

Why does printer ink have the same names that hippy parents give their kids? Is the pusher who came up with these names the same stoner who names yellow crayons "Burnt Sienna"?

Drug culture has its fingerprints all over this industry!

If the printer was an employee, he would be marched right down to HR and drug tested.

"So, Mr. Epson, when you first applied for the job of printer, your resume stated you could do twenty two pages a minute - but your supervisor Judy says you've never done better than twelve. You claim to be fluent in WiFi ... but I'm just across from the desk from you -- and I can't even connect."

And then, HR would say the magic words: "Mr. Epson - you're FIRED!"

What stresses you out the most at work?

Judy Carter speaks on using humor to decrease stress.
She is the author of The Comedy Bible (Simon & Schuster) and her latest book, The Message of You: Turn Your Life Story into a Money-Making Speaking Career, (St. Martin's Press) comes out February 2013.

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hear you. I have been here many times as I am the tech support for the family.

My solution is to purchase the laser printers now, black and white for those who don't care and the slightly more expensive colour laser.

It comes with a starter toner but prints at least 1000 pages 1st. Toners can be $100+ but you don't have to deal with them as often. And there is no syringe. Only drawback is the inability to print highend photo quality.

Thanks for the laughs! I really enjoy your emails.

Insuru said...

I cured that problem by having 2 printers, one mono laser for my everyday printing and the color 4 in 1 for special jobs.
I just wish i could get rid of the mountain of paper advertising I have to sort through each day. At least the email is easy to delete and doesn't kill trees.

Saurio el Apóstata said...

Oh. I thought that only in Argentina the cartridges costed twice much than the printer itself, but it seems it is a global problem.
I solved it buying a B/W laser printer. The toner cartridge may cost a little more but after seven years I only had to change it twice (in fact, one wasn't a change but a recharge), so I saved a lot of money in the long run.

But, of course, without a inkshot printer I am short of comedy material and you are not.

"Famous" Alice Linesch said...

Have you experienced the printer solidarity? Where your primary printer goes down and then all the other backup printers suddenly jam, run out of ink or otherwise refuse to produce. So much for your redundancy systems, your mini mortgage stock of back-up ink and the box of expensive - 28lb - $14.99 a ream - extra bright paper- guaranteed not to jam paper - you bought in an effort to be prepared any printing menstruation issues.

Which leaves you in the hands of the "like I care" employees at Office Depot or whatever Kinkos is called these days.

By the time you get your "xerox" copies you are so relieved your only slightly irritated that they are crooked and printed on paper slightly heavier than toilet paper! Then you get to wait for Mr. Bad Attitude to pay your seemingly absorbant bill.

At times like this I have to remind myself that even with all this hassle and aggravation it is so much better (and cheaper) than it use-to-be.

Phil Johnson said...

I hear you on that one Judy. Epson has been the bane of my existence for years. I keep wanting to write about their phone support, but it all becomes really angry instead of funny. :)

One of the best printer ink jokes I heard was from Jason Downs. "What country to do we have to bomb to bring the price of printer ink down?"

John Kinde said...

I save money by buying my printer cartridges from a guy in a raincoat at the corner of 4th and Walnut, or I mail-order them from Canada. And I always buy in quantity, so when I need a fix I'm never in a jam. I just make sure to allow time to get into my safe. With these simple steps I avoid getting the blues (sky mist).

Dan Nainan, Comedian said...

In all honesty, in the year 2012, why is there a need to print anything at all?

The only thing I used to print was boarding passes, but even that is not necessary because of electronic boarding passes.

Dr. Audrey Levy said...

I wish I had your ability to not only see the humor in annoying situations, but be able to come up with the jokes that go with them. It seems effortless for you. Maybe that's why you're an artist. We don't see the hard work behind the scenes. Thanks for today's laughter fix.

Marty said...

Yeah, ditto on the laser printer idea. I have been using a B&W laser for the past three years and I have never had to change the toner. Any time I want to print photos I just email them to Walgreens and then I get them on real photo paper, not printed with ink. Laser toner is burned into the paper and doesn't run like ink ...much more professional.

Jen said...

Stuck toilet paper, in the massive toilet paper dispensers at work. Work is the last place I want to 'drip dry'....just sayin'!

Deri Latimer said...

OMG, Judy! We must have the same printer!! I am right now staring at the flashing 'clear paper jam' message...and the scanner has a personality all it's own!!!

Ron Rigby said...

This is why you always do a back ground check before you hire a printer. They lie!
I love when you finally find the printer you want, take it up to the register to purchase it, and the guy behind the counter says "do you want ink to go with that".
And I'm like, "are you implying I'm about to purchase a printer that doesn't have any god damn ink in it".
"We'll sir they come with enough ink for about ten copies".
Well then I guess I'll need some ink, won't I....how much is the fu**ing ink for this brand new printer that I haven't even left the store with yet?
"Do you want all four colors"?
Ahhh, no just three colors please, the color red scares me!
"Are you kidding or does red really scare you"?
All four colors please!
"$69.99 for the color cartridge".
Are you fu**ing kidding me, the printer is $79.99?
"No sir". My god....so now instead of me thinking I'm getting a nice printer for 80 bucks, I'm actually spending $150.00?
"Yes sir....did you need black ink as well"?
Please tell me Alan Funt, Astin Kutcher, or John Quinuonis is about to come walking out of some god damn where!

Anonymous said...

+ buy cialis online
+ [url=http://buycialisonlinetoday.com/#74247] generic cialis no prescription
[/url] http://buycialisonlinetoday.com/#51655 + buy cialis no prescription

Anonymous said...

-- buy generic cialis online
-- [url=http://buycialisonlinetoday.com/#51586] cialis no prescription
[/url] http://buycialisonlinetoday.com/#12399 -- cialis no prescription

Ned Price said...

I just can't understand why printers still cause all these nightmares.
C'mon they've been invented for years and years, but they still do the same stuff - JAM, give unreadable error messages and stop when you need them.
I for one hate printers. I had a good laugh to myself reading your rant - Thank god it's not just me eh?

Anonymous said...

Judy I read your post and chuckled, while comedic I am sure your post was mostly true. I think we are all handcuffed to the ink dealers some days...

As for Epson, if you find the right one they do very well printing DVD / CD blanks.. That means I can create product although slowly in the office... Ink is refilled at wallgreens for a quarter of the price that I have to spend on a new cartrige. The best part is no ink on my fingers... As for printing I save as much as possible as a PDF and only print when I need to.
Justin James.
Americas wildest Hypnotist

PS as always I enjoy your blog posts. Happy Yolidays

Anonymous said...

pysgs [url=http://www.drdrebeatscheapsales.com]beats by dre sale[/url] jcsmdh http://www.drdrebeatscheapsales.com yoix [url=http://www.drebeatsstudioheadphones.com]beats by dre sale[/url] gdcste http://www.drebeatsstudioheadphones.com xfir [url=http://www.beatsdreheadphonesonsale.com]cheap beats by dre[/url] wvnanu http://www.beatsdreheadphonesonsale.com rprxy [url=http://www.dreheadphonesonsales.com]monster beats[/url] cifmys http://www.dreheadphonesonsales.com tedfj [url=http://www.drdrebeatssales.com]monster beats[/url] jjyme http://www.drdrebeatssales.com afwkz [url=http://www.focsa.org.au/myreview/beatsbydre.phtml]monster beats[/url] dnadr http://www.focsa.org.au/myreview/beatsbydre.phtml ons

Anonymous said...

lopclalse agememitsic
Womens Peyton Manning Jersey
London Fletcher Jersey
Cheap Peyton Manning Jersey

Anonymous said...

GHD mk4 will come to understand this meant to herso GHD Flat Iron can't believe to ask one sentence: "you mean itGhd cheap ghd.
"I betray you new nike nfl jerseys.
Z7u9m ugg online
W6g4f ghd hair straighteners
all the freshness and the so-called passions ghd salon styler.

Anonymous said...

hFqn cheap ghd
dRuo ugg boots on sale
zNmg michael kors handbags
1cPpk GHD Australia
0pMmj burberry handbags
6tAkw ugg pas cher
5uDbu ghd nz sale
1gVeb cheap louis vuitton
4lCpt michael kors bags
4jWlt ghd cheap
5vLob ugg boots uk
2gPnz nfl jerseys
3gNyh michael kors outlet online
0kVbh ghd
6eDqg discount ugg boots

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.iystwowgold.com]wow gold[/url], games gold Envoie extraordinaire agile, produit selon tr¨¨s bon ¨¦tat, masse satisfaction. Indulgence
games gold happen to be a pretty extraordinary the winter months through Philadelphia, we got some blizzard. And thru the whole works I'm clothing plus arid in my Kensingtons. Your friction is really wonderful, however in some cases I am inclined to wear all of the slush. On the whole it's pretty darn excellent.
intended for our 13th birthday party i need games gold truly awful!! plus i was given these and additionally take pleasure in these products!! dad got it in my situation as well as dispersed tehm once i really left for a fabulous nfl game therefore it moving serving these were acceptable (: these are so confortable and that i bring in each of them the time period, some people meet all the things (i received these folks with chesnut). my organization is needing a more elevated models meant for seasonal but let's face it when you're thinking about buying individuals, towards the ridge purchase them as they're one of the best games gold that you will find yourself getting. Thank you for making this sort of amazing games gold!!! (: (:
I've truly always enjoyed [url=http://www.guildwars2gold.com.au]guild wars 2 gold[/url]! They will be extremely nice and not hard to deliver...
May possibly have been given so many words of flattery directly on a lot of these glistening [url=http://www.hahawowgold.com]buy wow gold[/url]. I bought them all on african american and in addition adored individuals significantly I bought all of the silver flatware.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.iystwowgold.com#wowgold]wow gold[/url], We're always like to bring it with witnter. Would you celestial satellite games gold.
I like games gold I really special six to eight match together with the Artichoke color usually are my best. I do think games gold are an excellent choice introducing style, comfort to any closet.
I got myself the main saying bailey buttons 4months ago. They may astonishing (nice and fashionable while almost everyone pronounces). Before you buy it individuals I read typically the ratings hence there is no was probably advised with respect to "flapping problem". Even now I acquired them all. Okay I had put together certainly not an identical hassle!! Our bait under no circumstances deleted his / her figure so are prefer absolutely new (I transport each of them Daily to college)!! I actually dispersed these for all the blemish resilient within 24 hours I aquired them all and permit them to dehydrated designed for 24hours. In the beginning I figured i thought this was the main reason some people organised his or her's former outline not to mention never flap for several switch. Now I know it is because of him job go. Should you toned advanced and additionally multimedia leading part of the games gold with the lower leg, rrt is going to start up flapping on. If you walk around rearfoot foremost, that you crumple the bed section of the [url=http://www.gw2golds.de#gw2gold]gw2 gold[/url], with no damage of your respective size also, the front one is great. Which means take on it under consideration and don't allow to soak threat which include I conducted (Over time financially will stay increase or simply in the long term flap about the control????)
I'm sure these types of games gold.\super vigor disco games gold' :)
Superbe games gold Burberry, livraison ultra rapide, tr¨¨s sympathique.Parfait ! Indulgence beaucoup
Irrrm a sucker for my personal light games gold, they are just plain relatively fabulous, and in addition they obtain a lot of look, and has the very same convenience seeing as great different frames. :) Providers recommned they th absolutely everyone!!!!! :)

Anonymous said...

http://www.netwoгk-lοanѕ.
cο.uk

Αlso visit my blog post Payday Loans Uk

Anonymous said...

http://wwω.netwоrκ-lоans.co.uk

Anonymous said...

Кефирная девятидневная диета
Диета дефицита питательных веществ аутизм
Лептин кофе для похудения

[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/zolotaya-ser-zhka-dlya-pohudeniya.html]Золотая сер жка для похудения[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-oksalatnye-kamni.html]Диета оксалатные камни[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/bolezni-selezenki-diety.html]Болезни селезенки диеты[/url]

Anonymous said...

Кефирная девятидневная диета
Диета дефицита питательных веществ аутизм
Лептин кофе для похудения

[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/zolotaya-ser-zhka-dlya-pohudeniya.html]Золотая сер жка для похудения[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-oksalatnye-kamni.html]Диета оксалатные камни[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/bolezni-selezenki-diety.html]Болезни селезенки диеты[/url]

Anonymous said...

Кефирная девятидневная диета
Диета дефицита питательных веществ аутизм
Лептин кофе для похудения

[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/zolotaya-ser-zhka-dlya-pohudeniya.html]Золотая сер жка для похудения[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-oksalatnye-kamni.html]Диета оксалатные камни[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/bolezni-selezenki-diety.html]Болезни селезенки диеты[/url]

Anonymous said...

Кефирная девятидневная диета
Диета дефицита питательных веществ аутизм
Лептин кофе для похудения

[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/zolotaya-ser-zhka-dlya-pohudeniya.html]Золотая сер жка для похудения[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-oksalatnye-kamni.html]Диета оксалатные камни[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/bolezni-selezenki-diety.html]Болезни селезенки диеты[/url]

Anonymous said...

Кефирная девятидневная диета
Диета дефицита питательных веществ аутизм
Лептин кофе для похудения

[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/zolotaya-ser-zhka-dlya-pohudeniya.html]Золотая сер жка для похудения[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-oksalatnye-kamni.html]Диета оксалатные камни[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/bolezni-selezenki-diety.html]Болезни селезенки диеты[/url]

Anonymous said...

Кефирная девятидневная диета
Диета дефицита питательных веществ аутизм
Лептин кофе для похудения

[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/zolotaya-ser-zhka-dlya-pohudeniya.html]Золотая сер жка для похудения[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-oksalatnye-kamni.html]Диета оксалатные камни[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/bolezni-selezenki-diety.html]Болезни селезенки диеты[/url]

Anonymous said...

Кефирная девятидневная диета
Диета дефицита питательных веществ аутизм
Лептин кофе для похудения

[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/zolotaya-ser-zhka-dlya-pohudeniya.html]Золотая сер жка для похудения[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-oksalatnye-kamni.html]Диета оксалатные камни[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/bolezni-selezenki-diety.html]Болезни селезенки диеты[/url]

Anonymous said...

Кефирная девятидневная диета
Диета дефицита питательных веществ аутизм
Лептин кофе для похудения

[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/zolotaya-ser-zhka-dlya-pohudeniya.html]Золотая сер жка для похудения[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/dieta-oksalatnye-kamni.html]Диета оксалатные камни[/url]
[url=http://sitediethelper.ru/bolezni-selezenki-diety.html]Болезни селезенки диеты[/url]

Anonymous said...

medication pharmacy for sale [url=http://thepriligydrug.mevio.com/#9u6r]dapoxetine 30mg[/url] [url=http://thestratteradrug.mevio.com/#8l4h]cheap strattera photo[/url] poe plc cheap kamagra buy clomid 100mg generic to strattera drugs prices online wyl

Anonymous said...

www.blogger.com owner you are awsome writer

[url=http://skinny-jimmy.tumblr.com]click here[/url]

Lenka said...

I bought them all on african american and in addition adored individuals significantly I bought all of the silver flatware.
Kitchen Countertops Long Island

San Mah said...

inkjet cartridges uk